A Horse Tale...

May 21, 2008

Ciao Belli,
so I'm still in Portland, Oregon doing LITTLE DOG LAUGHED
show is going great, I'm having a blast, cast is lovely, theatre is lovely and I've been singled out in all of the reviews
so all is good and there hasn't been much exciting to write about other than getting an allergic reaction in my left eye cause the grey paint in my hair (to make me look more "Cruella") was a little too toxic for my sensitive skin
(fun fact: at the clinic to see the doctor, a young man at the reception desk flirted with me as I stood there with red, inflamed, puffy eyes - not bad, huh - okay, even if it was my imagination, it's fun to fantasize)

BUT NOW I FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT:

about two weeks ago, the massage therapist who recently gave me an amazing deep massage asks me to go horseback riding; I noticed that he had equestrian pix all over his massage studio; told him I grew up around horses, never allowed to ride, etc etc and the last time I rode was an old, sweet horse named "Bob" in the woods of Vermont with a dear friend who I trusted and put me on the safest, gentlest horse and it was a glorious ride
SO...
he decides to take me with him on his favorite trail (which he created) in the deep woods of Beavercreek, Oregon (hometown of Tonya Harding); imagine a bucolic quiet setting - cows on the pasture, rolling hills, mountains in the distance, surrounded by fir trees and wild and vibrant rhododendrons...

the man owns 7 horses, all Arabians and he trains them for long distance races (up to 150 miles); he also hires himself out to other horse owners to train and race their horses as well
I spent a couple of hours watching him train a beautiful stallion named Geswick - this 8-year old had tons of attitude and was very frisky for some female companionship
I hated seeing the stallion harnessed and saddled up - I wanted to set him free to play with the mares...

anyway, I repeated over and over again, "remember, I need a gentle, safe horse, I've only ridden once before"
"no worries" he tells me, "you're going on Leon, he's a sweetie"

when I see Leon and Rose (both Arabians); I fall in love - they are both a wee overweight and beautiful, big horses
Leon is a 10-year old Grey horse and he has dread locks cause his mane is long and he likes to swish it around
Rose is a chestnut mare and Leon's half-sister - she's only 6 and has quite the attitude I'm told
they are fat cause the trainer hasn't ridden them in ages

he gives me a quick lesson in riding in the indoor track: lean back, use my calves to make him go, how to hold the reins, etc...
it seemed to work well enough, but I admit I was a tad overwhelmed by the list of things I needed to remember for this short (I thought) trail ride

so we begin, the horses are moving slowly (which is PERFECT for me) and we ride down the road to the trail - here I am thinking the trail would be a well-worn one that is easy to navigate, but I find myself on what appears to be treacherous, muddy paths, branches everywhere tearing at my cotton t-shirt
let me say that these woods are GLORIouSLY beautiful - moss-covered, tall thin trees and wild irises, morning glories and Scottish Broom and other wild things that smelled incredible - I was in heaven for a while
having no idea how long this ride was going to be, thinking it was only a short, slow walk in the woods, I was very relaxed and then the trail became steeper and we were going downhill and the trainer kept reminding me to lean back and hold the reins, etc. etc.

NOW imagine, the man in front of me, on horseback, is also documenting this entire ride - he has a camera, a videocamera and a cell phone in his front pouch
at this point he is video-taping me - I try not to worry since all seems to be in order

there are moments of tension when Leon wants to catch up to his little sister by breaking into a trot on these narrow, not quite clearly-laid paths and I stop breathing, but am reminded that all is fine - relax and to stop making sounds when the horse trips on a branch or begins to go faster (I'm Italian, i'm reactive so, yes, sounds come out instinctively and I wasn't able to take his advice although I tried my best)

THEN, we head steeply down to what appears to be a creek that has two huge logs across it and when the horse descends, I naturally lean forward because I was unprepared for the steep angle, and then, of course, the horse decides that since I've given him the "signal" to go faster, he jumps over the water, and proceeds to run into the deep thicket of woods - I act quickly - I slide off the saddle and fall hard on my ass
this entire time, the trainer is yelling at me - "lean back!" "don't squeeze your calves" - I'm in shock
I stand up, dust myself off and am thankful that I didn't land on anything else
I keep saying "poor Leon"
"oh he's fine - he'll be back"
"did you get that on video" I ask
he checks the camera "nope, but I think it caught the audio of the fall"
I could tell the fall unnerved the trainer but what the hell could I do - I apologized for not leaning back and for squeezing my calves
Leon returns looking innocent and sweet
the trainer calms both horses down and tells me to get back on the horse

Now, the the dialogue goes like this:

"I should have put you on Liza (another Arabian in his stable) - she's less reactive than Leon" HUH? (these responses are not voiced, only thought in my mind)
"Leon is really only used to me riding him so he's sensitive to any and all signals you give him" SO WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS HORSE, YOU NIMROD? (again, just internal thoughts)
"he's used to going much faster" I TOLD YOU I WAS A FIRST TIME RIDER!!!!! (thinking, thinking, thinking)

so, I'm doing my best, to be calm, hold the reins because the trail gets only more treacherous, muddy and steep going up AND going down - I take deep breaths, the forest at this point holds no interest for me - I ONLY want to get back to the stables and back on solid ground
WHY AM I ON AN ANIMAL THIS HUGE - MISTAKE, MISTAKE, MISTAKE (again all internal thoughts)
the trainer keeps asking me to look at the woods behind - this, mind you as we are climbing the steepest hill of the entire ride
I was keeping my eyes forward and putting all of my focus on staying alive
the trainer keeps telling me to breathe deeply, relax my chest, ride from my glutes, relax my stomach - I felt like I was back doing Pilates (which, I'm not very good at...)

SO what seems like an eternity passes and he asks me if I'd like to go to the cliff with a 200 ft drop or see the OAK tree - thoughts of me being thrown off the horse at the side of the cliff and dropping to my death prompt me quickly to respond "oak tree sounds good"

It's a lovely oak tree, but I'm thinking "home, home, home"

we finally get to a path that will shortly lead us back to the road, I begin to truly relax - so does the trainer because he takes this moment to make a business call on his cell
I'm feeling more comfy, taking deeper breaths and I let go of the reins
we are on flat ground now, a real path and I'm enjoying the apparent safety of this part of the journey
then I notice that Leon is looking side to side - thinking that he's enjoying the pretty forest, I enjoy the horse's curiosity and keep following the trainer and Rose his mare
FINALLY, the trainer gets off the phone and looks back at me and I see terror in his face - "LEAN BACK, DON'T SQUEEZE YOUR LEGS, LEAN BACK, BRING BACK THE REINS!"
okay, my legs were wide OFF the horse's body since the last fall and I'm trying to grab the reins, but the horse kicks it and begins to go 35 miles an hour down this path
my mind is a blank - shock sets in (as it did earlier)
before we're off into the depths of Beavercreek, Oregon, the trainer catches Leon by his reins and the trainer and I and Leon and Rose circle a few times in rapid succession until the horses finally come to a halt
at this point I am literally hanging sideways on the horse's body, completely off its back
I get down, breathe deeply and, again am in shock - I apologize for my lack of experience, but "I didn't do anything wrong, I thought"
it turns out that holding the reins too loosely, and possibly keeping my calves too far from Leon's body may have spooked him

I get back on the horse (we still have to get back to the friggin' stables)
the trainer leads me and Leon by Leon's reins and I hold onto the saddle for dear life
I counted every breath until we finally made it back
the trainer gives me a long speech about the fact that I'm too reactive and that is what is getting the horse nervous
HEY MISTER, I KNOW I'M REACTIVE BUT YOU ARE ASKING ME TO CURE MY LIFE LESSON ON THIS PLANET - IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN IN ONE RIDE, BUT THANKS FOR THE TIP (again, not voiced, only thought)
when it was time to get off, I thanked all of my angels and saints for keeping me alive
I looked down at my arms and they were bloody and scratched from the branches I went through in the woods (I wear an evening gown in the show that is sleeveless); so I'm already coming up with solutions on how to hide them for this week's performance (opera gloves will do nicely); thankfully, scratches only surface wounds so it will only be a couple of days of red scratches and then back to glove-free costume

on the crazy ride home, where the trainer is eating a nutrition bar, talking on the cell and driving like a maniac - he tells me of horror stories of people falling off horse, running into trees, losing their memories for 3 weeks, and worse and my brain freezes - when I get home, I take 5 hot showers praying that my body doesn't fall apart
that night, I relive the fall and the more "dramatic" parts of the ride over and over again until I finally take a Tylenol PM and call it a night

now the trainer wants to take me out again on a different horse; I think I'm going to politely decline
my adventures on horseback are over
I realize that my life is fulfilling and exciting enough

and there you have it - my final horseback ride